One woman’s insight into her mental health and how she copes with her processing of life. Please remember this is her perspective.
When you hear the word PTSD my first thought is military but of course it goes beyond that. I look back at my childhood and knowing all the dramatic events and situations I was in I think to myself NO WONDER why I am the way I am now. I fit the behavior of the title but I don’t consider myself a person with PTSD.
Because I know someone who does have it and I can’t see two people suffering from it helping each other get out of it making any progress from it. But I need to focus because this is going to be a long story.
I feel that if you put your truth out there, there’s a freeing aspect that is worth getting pass the fear of putting yourself out there. Even if no one accepts it, it’s important that you can accept that your the one that counts the most. Because in the end it’s your life.
People look at me and tell me I’m very confident and I have this demeanor of seriousness but caring aspect. And honestly, I try not to laugh in peoples faces. Because I think to myself Why???? Me??? like Charley Brown would say, Good Grief! But that’s insecurities talking.
I guess I can say I do have those traits but I also know I have so much more. Others would probably look down on but it is what it is. I will list what my traits are and give a brief reason why to help you understand.
I am a control freak- at 17 I was assaulted by my pastor’s son so I have to have some type of control of whatever I’m doing. It’s my security blanket.
I am very fearful-growing up I was bullied not just by strangers but family as well. So I live with a lot of fear inside me at times.
I am sad-I lost my mother that I helped take care of from the age of 12 and in knowing I will never have the ability of having children it was like I have been grieving a mother friend and child all at once. I took care of her for 8 years so losing someone that you took care of like they were your child, I grieve like i lost an 8 year old child.
I am cautious-because I am naive. I am still very trusting of other’s when I shouldn’t be
I am happy-I have a life I never thought I have. I have friends that I could never dream of having and seeing my ability to do what my mindset can create is motivating.
I am smarter than your average bear-Knowing I’m looked at as not being very smart, uneducated and not going far in life but yet I’m the one you go to for help…yeah enough said on that.
I am confident-I know I am my main cheerleader and I know my weakness and my strength. I know I am capable of doing things and having the ability to learn new things is something I’m proud of.
I am sensitive-I know my vulnerability and family is one of them. Anyone or thing that I care about becomes my weakness.
I am vulnerable-I have never loss that ability of trust so I have not grown that ability to know who to trust safely or to be unsure of.
I am still alive-I have never shied away from being vocal about having health issues and I’ve always said to people I didn’t think i would see 19 so to come as far as I have helps me get pass peoples antics and bad behavior where I know other’s who would have ended their lives because of other’s actions.
I survived Mental Abuse-I grew up with a sibling who tried to kill me (literally) and the backlash for standing up for myself left me coming off as quiet nature
(until I open my mouth. )
Now with all that being said I still wouldn’t say I have PTSD I would say I had a challenging life. Because of dealing with a friend who has a severe case of it puts my trama in a different outlook to me. I know my mental health is better than his but I think everyone needs a type of check-up to see if everything is OK. I mean you make sure your automobile is working why not your mental health?
My check-up stations as I call them are: Friends, Family and Myself.
There are a couple of friends I go to when I need a oil change you could say. There’s always someone I can talk to when I need that extra ear and when those times come into play when I don’t have that access I have myself. I write my problems out and then I bake my stress away and go back to what I wrote with a clearer head and figure out the issue. That’s my process right now.
I remember having those days when I would cry & nothing was wrong and later realizing it was just hormones. But in those moments you just feel low. I don’t make myself feel bad for having them but I recognize what it is and I don’t add to it and let it pass through me and regroup and move forward. It’s an ongoing process with many trips for check ups sometimes, but just like a automobile its an investment that you want to keep in good condition. and I like to think I’m more valuable than an automobile.
Just my thoughts.